.hypocrite.lunatic.fanatic.heretic.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
i am worried sick for her..
i dunno where hav she been..
bud i hope shes safe n sound..
her few words juz came back so snappy..
it hurted me..
bud i know i shuldnt be tinkin of this now..
i wanna do well in the Os
the same ting she wanted me to..
n when the exams r over..
id prove to her..
tat happiness is like a pair of hands
n it takes 2 hands to clap
alrite now..i shud be off to books!
x
a fag spat at 1:44 PM x
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Saturday, October 30, 2004
u guys juz dunnoe how much i love her..
i once said tis to her..
while we were together..
i said..
i wldnt mind dyin for her
if she had involved in a freak accident
i wont hesitate to hav my organs dug out
n donate it to her!
although i know tat she wldnt wan a disabled person animore..
bud i rly dun mind lettin sum1 i truly love to live on..
so long shes happie..
sighh..
x
a fag spat at 4:55 AM x
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Friday, October 29, 2004
im still missin her badly..
im dreamin of her almost every nite..
n again.. it was dreams of me n her together..
happily..without ani worries..
it was so real..i was so happie..
bud when i lift my eyelids..
all was juz bud a dream..
nth happened..
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, so much for my happy ending
x
a fag spat at 10:19 PM x
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i had fried-fish-soup and rice?
haha wadeva u call it..
wif muh friend..
den i had a terrible headache..
im sure it wasnt the food..
bud i felt damn sick..
i lied on the sofa..
in a akward recovery position..
but 1 hr lata..
i threw up almost everytin in the toilet bowl..
lol! n i saw wad i ate man..
green veggies..orange tomatoes..black seaweed..
haha wad a colourful sight..
kk sorry.. i know its gross..
bud i threw up ard 4 times..
n i tink i knew betta wad gross means..
haha but i felt much betta..
not only relieved from my sickness..
bud oso.. from her..
i do hope i get over tis pain soon..
but in de meanwhile..
i juz hope tat we cud be friends!
haha dear diary..
tis is how it happened..
out.
x
a fag spat at 7:15 AM x
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its been a dreadful day..
the daes juz got worser n worser
well.. im tryin hard to adapt
to bein single again..but i know..
it takes time..
she told me tat too..
she gave me a glass bottle of folded stars..
but it was half filled..
and wif the remaining slip of papers
i wanted to fold dem
n complete the bottle..
but i didnt knew how to fold it..
finally sum1 taught me..
i spend the entire night class
foldin dem all..
n i know..
it cant be compared to the hrs n pain
she had taken to fill it to the half..
mine.. was juz a small portion..
so i went home n grab the bottle..
horrified.. tat even after finishin the papers..
it wasnt full..
i wanted saga seeds..but i tink ive lost dem..
so a mixture of folded stars n scented flowers made it full..
i was glad..though not exactly the result turned out to be..
so i placed it into the box..
with the pig ornament..
but i cldnt bear to put in the friendship band..
or wadeva band it was meant to be..
n the shirt.. i wanted to retain sumtin of her..
so i went to her house..
i didnt call..coz i wanted to surprise her..
hopin tat she wld come out n accept it..
hopin tat i will get to hug her for the last time..
hopin tat i cud whisper..into her ear..
'someday down the road..
i hope tat i will be able to recieve tis back..'
but nothin was fulfilled..
when i reached..i called her..
not only did she not wan to c me..
bud she oso ask me to throw those tings awae..
i was like..so lost..
she didnt like tat surprise..
n again i was wrong..
i knew i shud hav called her..
but i was afraid she wud not even wan me to come..
n i tot god gave me another chance..
when she ask me to go to her door..
bud all was juz a moment of stupidity for me..
in de end.. her bro came..
so i ask him to pass it to her...
i walked awae..went down..
her maid saw me..
for dunno wad reason.. she stopped walkin
n tot i was sum kind of ghost..
i noded n juz smiled..
for i know.. tat mite be the last time..
she wld c me..
so i gave a last call..
coz deep down im my heart..
i was hopin tat i cld see her for the last time..
but her heart.. was closed..
nth i do.. wld eva touch her again..
i cldnt see her for the last time..
she once said..she will be my perfect 10..
mmm.. i guess tis relationship..
wasnt as perfect as it seems..
goodbye sarah..
these memories i will keep..
in my heart..
i noe im juz so sturborn..
but i still..
hope tat 1 dae..
u will turn ur back..
so we cud be together again..
goodbye sarah...
x
a fag spat at 4:47 AM x
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Thursday, October 28, 2004
yea it may sound farnie..
but i rather she get back wif me for now
den i hav a target to score well for my Os..
n when de exams r over..
she can still decide to stay or go..
how cud she juz possibly leave me at tis period..
shes noe im goin thru depression
n yet all the more she shud be der for me..
my form of moral support..
compiling to tat..
i need her encouragement to countinue mugging!
everyting juz falls bad on tis week
everyting..
she was gone.. when i needed her most..
wud sum1 plz try puttin me into sum1 elses shoes?
she said it she cant take it animore
but does she tink i can tink tis too?
tis blow is even greater to me!
i didnt see it coming..
i..miss her..
i..still miss her..
its strange but true..
when im still wif her
n when i dreamt abt her in muh dreams..
its always nightmares n more nightmates
nightmares abt she leaving me..
in different ways..
but when now im without her..
all muh dreams abt her
is all about being wif her
haha.. tats rly strange..
she once told me.. dreams will not come true..
but she left me.. tat came true?
n will my dreams of being wif her again come true too?
i rly hope so.. i rly wan her back..
i wud assure her wif my whole heart
tat i will not let tis tings happen again..
i will consult her be4 i do aniting for her
i will tell her n wait for her permission
i will let her solve her own probs if she dosent nid my help
i will be there for her.. listen to her
console her..
i would make her tink shes rite even if shes wrong..
haha.. im juz so lost..
i wud juz do aniting to get her back..
all i nid is juz a chance from her..
= (
x
a fag spat at 1:32 PM x
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004
dear blog..
its been a while..
tis 3 daes were juz unbearable for me..
she left me..
the world seemed so cold n lonely..
o well..
i cant deny the fact tat ive let her down..
how did it happen?
it all started when she told me
she had pple irritating her
guys...tryin to woo her..
o well.. its not her fault lar..
well call me not being open minded
on tis kinda stuff
but it juz kinda irritates me
when those guys r tryin to woo her
hey! its like.. shes happily attached.. cant u juz bug off?
so i went to scold the hell out those kids
feelin tat it was my duty..
n tis she came to know
wad i did..
she told me she didnt like it
to settle tings like tat..
so i was like...
ok sry.. my fault..
but i tot girls wld wan their guy to stand up for them..
guess i was wrong..
n again it happened..
tis time her best friend
turn the tables on her..
she was like so depressed..
well mebbe its juz my character
i cldnt stand it by sitting der n lendin her a ear..
i wanted to help..
so i went to resolve tings..
or rather.. i made it worse..
there seemed to be sum tiny weeny sort of alliance
even when der was problems between dem..
so happily dey were back friends friends sistas sistas..
bud i knew.. she was disappointed wif me..
coz i did it again..
n i know ive let her down..
but do i wish i was juz a troublemaker?
n making tings worse?
tis tings tat i did..
were juz plainly out of concern for her!
she said these were excuses..
but deep down in muh heart..
they werent..
so the gun backfired
n i was shot instead..
so.. my fault again..
the misleading day..
she saw sum disgustin impersonator
posin to be 1 of her friend..
so she asked me to scold tat person
so i did..
n den i cut n paste a copy to her of wad i send
n she was like sayin.. in chinese..
'if only u wud stand up for me like tat..'
so all along..until tat dreadful dae..
all along i was mistaken..
tat she wld wan me to stand up for her like tat..
n den it came back again..
tis time a girl.. went to copy her format of testimonial
in friendster.. and paste it like tat girl did it on her own
so she was pissed..
so i went to scold tat girl..
no sense of originality.. n of coz.. vulgarites..
n i did the same..
copied n paste a copy for her to c..
she said not to send..
bud i already did..
n tat was the final blow..
the finale..
1 hr later..
she wanted to break..
i didnt see it coming
we were even alrite after i scolded tat girl..
or i tot so?
n den.. everyting juz came crashin on me
becoz.. i didnt see aniting coming
i was rly stupid
i admit..seriously..
but i was misleaded!
i tot she wanted me to get back for her
de way she tok to me..
i tot she wanted.. i rly tot..
bud she even apologise to tat girl..
i was like.. huh??
n den.. it dawned on me..
tat.. was tis all a lie?
we were even tokin the previous night
tokin abt lastin it foreva..
waitin for me to marry her..
earn lotsa money..
buy big houses for her..
so she cud shake leg in..
i rly wanted tat to happen..
bud all it seems was juz an illusion..
she wanna end tis..
for 3 daes n 3 nights..
haha sounds cheena but its true..
ive not been sleepin well
nor eatin well
i cldnt pick up my books n flip to tat page
to mug for my exams
wich is like less dan a week awae..
sounds queer..
but i rather treat it as a nightmare
nothin happen
till my Os r over
den i accept the fact..
but i juz couldnt..
i cldnt live without her..
she is my everyting..was my everyting..
i noe i may sound very jerk by sayin tis..
bud how cud she do tis to me..?
when my Os r less dan a week awae..?
i was utterly depressed.. i cried for 3 nights..
tinking n find ans wad wrong did i did?
i may sound very egoistic by sayin tat..
bud i rly did wanna find ans..
for 3 daes.. theres hardly a msg from her
be it msn.. sms.. or phone call
i guess i was rly pestering her..
despite me knowin the fact that it will irritate her..
bud i cldnt help it myself..
every mintue of de 72hrs shes in my mind..
i juz cldnt pick up the courage n get goin wif my life..
i may sound stupid..
but i rly wanted to end my life..
can u imagine? not a single sound from her?
tat was not the usual her i used to noe..
i wanted so much to tok to her..
bud she juz didnt wan to c me or tok to me
nv had i got the chance to c her for the last time
nor talk wif her..
i rly wanted to die..
bud was afriad of pain..
diff thoughts of dyin juz came rushin into my mind
i wanted to die in the fastest manner..painless
i figure i nid a gun
point right striaght into my brain
but where de hell do i get the gun?
bud i hav shiny nice swords in muh house
haha.. but it will be painful..
jumpin off wld be painful too..
joyce suggested drinkin poision..
den i tot of dettol..
o well.. i had to noe ans before i die..
so i went to find her todae
waitin for her outside her sch..
waited n waited..
she knew i was waiting..
den she came out in a grp
i dunno wad kept me back from goin to her
bud she was in a grp
n all of dem were givin me tat look
so i tot she wld come over..
bud she didnt..
she boarded the bus n left..
i was so depressed..
i called her..
like de same.. no one picked up..
i called her friend
bud sum busybody bitch had juz to interfere
n maked me pissed
i shouted.. i was wrong
but i was in a total breakdown..
cldnt i juz see her for the last time?
n hav a good talk?
she left.. juz like tat..
theres juz so much tings for me to sae..
bud she left me hanging..
i didnt know wad to do..
i was at my wits end..
i call her again..
n she finally answered..
my heart was like.. so much lighter..
upon hearing her voice..
i ask her if i cud meet her..
she said no..
i ask her if it is juz for now or foreva..
she said foreva..
i ask if we cud talk animore..
she said no..foreva..
i was like.. haha all saddest happen to me
on todae..
den i rly nida giv myself a tinking
a good serious thought
so i nided to get home n tink..
on my way home.. on a train..i saw my friend
so i guess i nided sum1 to pour out my saddness
so i ran out of de train n called him..lol
sounds comical..
he even asked me where i went?
go find gf ah?
-.-.. we broke lar dude..
den i went to his home..
n i tot abt it..
den i gave a call..
rly unsure if she wld picked it up..
thank god she did..
so we had a good talk..
n we talk tings out..
tis was wad i wanted.. from tat 3daes of depression..
a good talk..
so ive indeed let her down..
n wad im gonna say next
im not tryin to defend myself n my ego
bud i seriously wan to sae..
all the unhappiness ive caused her
is juz all sub-conscious..
i dun even noe all those unhappiness ive caused
i mean.. ive tried my best to be der for her..
bud she said i wasnt..
ive given her my whole heart..
its not as though im seein another girl
or im neglectin her on purpose
id be juz so happie if i can be wif her everydae..
every hr.. every mintue
i juz gave her my everyting
my whole heart..
so much for my happy ending..
so much for gettin married down the road
so much for makin big bucks n buyin big houses..
so much for the lies..
bud.. i had to admit
it was my fault..
she dosent like me like tat..
she dosent like me to drink and smoke..
she dosent like me to hav temper..
i swear to god
ever since she knew tat i was smokin
ive quit it for her
drinking too.
but she said i still had temper..
n again it may sound very jerk of me by sayin tis..
bud all i can rmb is i did once raised my voice louder
n she tot i was showin my temper..
ok fine.. she dosent likes guys to hav temper..
kk fine..tat was my mistake..
but i was all willing to change
in fact i was changing..
she said i was sweeter the last few daes..
i treated her betta
i walk her to sch wee hrs in the morning
but.. she said it came too late..
i changed..but too late..
n again.. i was so depressed..
i didnt noe wad to do..
bud oh well.. i shudlnt tink like tat..
she mentioned if i love.. i shud let her go..
how irony is tat..
bud i guess i hav to let her go..
since she had already dead down on her feelings for me..
bud im still missin her..
i still wan her back..
bud for the time being..
im juz glad tat shes not ignoring me animore
we r still friends.. yippeee~
hahas these short 50days.. were indeed..
the happiest daes of my entire live..
thank you sarah.. for bring happiness to me
even for tt short while..
thank you.
x
a fag spat at 11:33 PM x
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